“[?]” is a god-like being who works for Nonsense Magazine and gives advice to Hofstra Students when they’re not causing a rift between time and space. Their species is unknown, and Nonsense has never been able to capture their true identity. The only person who has ever seen [?] is their friend, Snuffy. They get blackout drunk together every first Friday of the month at 4 pm. Snuffy can never remember their encounters by the time he wakes up the next day.
Dear [?],
I am a male student here at Hofstra University. Some background: My parents have always been really strict, and even though I’m at college, they still keep a close eye on me. They let me use their credit card, but they monitor everything I buy and get notifications from the credit card company any time I purchase something. I don’t have my own accounts yet. Anyway, after some time living on campus, I’ve been exploring my sexuality (both my sexual orientation and my own body). I always thought I was straight, but recently I’ve been dreaming of having a fat juicy cock in my ass. In order to enhance my masturbation sessions, I want to buy some kind of toy to put up my ass. The problem is, if I buy anything with my credit card, my parents will find out. Is there anything I can find on campus that might satisfy my cravings? My asshole is getting lonely. Thank you.
–Sexually Frustrated
Dear Sexually Frustrated,
Thank you for your question! Luckily, you can find many things at Hofstra University that might help you solve your problem. Anything cylindrical and solid that you can comfortably fit up your ass could work. Do you have a stick of deodorant to use? My guess is no, but maybe you can ask your roommate. I would NOT recommend a banana, since it can get mushy and get stuck inside you. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything. If you are stupid enough to try something more adventurous, just take a walk outside with some snacks. Then, find a Hof squirrel. Use the snacks to train it to follow it back into your room and finger your anus with its tiny squirrel hands. One last suggestion–the real thing. You want a cock in your ass? Meet me in the Calkins painting studio tomorrow at 11 pm.
—[?]