It’s Halloween in Arizona and that means two things: the haunted cactus in my front yard won’t stop screaming and the kids out trick or treating are at a heightened risk of heatstroke. Every year kids drop dead in my yard from heatstroke and also maybe from the curse my ex-wife left on this land, but this year’s gonna be different. This year I’m giving these bitch ass kids water.
Back before my wife left, kids never died on my property. Then with 9/11, the divorce, and the global warming, everything changed. Suddenly kids were dropping like flies just from stepping foot on my barren and cursed plot of land. The only explanation I can think of is that these kids just aren’t hydrating enough. No wonder Gen Z is so weak and flimsy. If you’re not drinking plenty of fluids, you’ll never survive the rising sea levels or the xenophobia of a post 9/11 America. Or my ex-wife’s curse on this desert estate. But its probably just the stress of an impending apocalypse and the lack of water that’s really killing these kids.
Anyway, this year, I’m gonna just spray freezing cold hose water directly into these kids Halloween baskets. Just really soak the whole thing down. I don’t care if they don’t want it. It’s what these kids need. It’s the only way they’ll survive. Hydration is key in these trying times, and if these youth don’t receive my generous gift of life saving water, they will surely perish in my front yard like all the kids before whose bones circle the haunted cactus my ex-wife planted.
Normally those bones keep children off my yard 364 days a year when they can peel themselves away from Fortnite long enough to go outside, but every Halloween, Gen Z’ers think they’re just décor. Maybe kids just aren’t seeing enough dead bodies these days to tell the real from the fake. These dumb stupid idiots just run right up to the haunted cactus as it screams in my front yard and then act surprised when they drop dead of heatstroke. It’s hot out there and you aren’t hydrating! You should expect to die of heatstroke when you approach a screaming cactus without the proper amount of water in your system!
It’s not that complicated!
I’m hoping the mortality rate of my front yard goes down this year. I really can’t handle another wrongful death lawsuit right now. I don’t know why these parents keep blaming me for dehydration and heat stroke, but there’s no way they can this year. This year I’m protected. This year I’ve planned it all out. This year, these little shits are getting water.