By: Peter Soucy
A bunch of young, handsome, Britishmen wait on a beach for an older, uglier, British man to take them fishing: this is the basic plot of Dunkirk. This wartime romance also features no women. All these handsome men and no women! Typical Hollywood.
At least 3 Nazis die in the film which is good. Tom Hardy does not take his shirt off in victory when he shoots them down; in fact, he actually has all of his body covered, including his face. Director Christopher Nolan said he wanted Hardy’s body to be completely covered so no one would see how handsome he is. He did not want people to see the movie because of the handsome men. He wanted people to see the movie for the lack of women. Hardy is such a talented actor that he did not leave the prop plane’s cockpit for the entirety of the movie’s shooting. By the time he shot his last scene, Hardy was very wet with pee. He got very sick. Maybe that's why they made him stay in the plane.
Harry Styles is also in the movie and should have died with a piece of toast in his mouth, but his best friend Tom Hardy said he would not do the movie unless Harry Styles lived until the end. Nolan apparently did not know Harry Styles was the Prince of Pop and heir to the British throne. In an interview, he said he chose Styles solely because the young man serenaded Nolan about a french cat during his audition. Isn’t that fucked up?
But why are these Britishmen the stars of a war movie? I’m wondering that too. Isn’t war America’s pastime? And isn’t being handsome reserved only for Americans? When did a chiseled chin, a tight physique, and a foreign accent make a man handsome? Handsomeitity used to be based on the wear on your work boots, the size of your gut, and the soil under your fingertips. All those soldiers were small Britishmen. I could eat them for breakfast.
I’d like to.
My Tinder profile shows off my boots and my fingertips very intensely, and I’ve only gotten 11 matches, and have gone on 2 dates. One ended in my blow up pool. No sex. I bet Harry Styles has sex. Ugh. More like un-Hairy Styles, because he’s got no hair! These “men,” so handsome and so hairless. How do they do it? I have so much hair. Some would say too much, but not me. I would never speak on that. I have just enough to wear my shirt a little too unbuttoned, and just under the amount where the government would forcibly shave me. And that’s really all I can say. On the second Tinder date, I took a girl to see Dunkirk, the new Christopher Nolan movie by the guy that made Christian Bale yell and then apologize.
Anyway, I’ve decided to go on a diet and go back to school. I’ve made an Instagram account to chronicle my weight loss, if you would like to follow my journey. It’s called TheFaceBehindThe_Neck, but I might change it later if my face becomes muscular beyond all control. As always, thanks for reading this, and thanks for creating the movie Dunkirk: A Boy’s Tale. Hopefully your next movie is even better. Hopefully it will be Transformers. I think you would do a good job at that.