Wow it’s really fucking (cw: peanut allergy) n*ts that we’re at the point where we’re even writing this. When (cw: male comedian) M*tt, our head writer, came to us with this idea you better believe that we both said (cw: Satanism) “oh h*ll no” right out of the gate.

My name is Snuffy and I’m here to say Drugs are bad in a really big way! Don’t do drugs because if you do, Jesus will come after you.My name is Snuffy and I’m here to say Drugs are bad in a really big way! Don’t do drugs because if you do, Jesus will come after you.

However, since we’re all millennials attending college in this oh-so-overly sensitive age, the fact is we don’t know a damn thing about history. Not even a little bit. So we’ve tried our best to imagine what Hofstra might have been like in ye olde times. We’ve taken the liberty of chronicling Hofstra’s history as accurately as we could, which you can see for yourself on the next page.