By Ben Fletcher
It’s 4th of July season again ladies and gentriots, which means it’s the one day a year where everyone gets a chance to be the most ignorant redneck they can be. The one day where we can, collectively as a country, look up to the sky and scream “AMMEERICAA!!!” as we chug down Coors Light and try to light our cousins on fire with sparklers. But for some of us, this may not be a day of celebration. You see, America seems to have just the teeniest issue with, oh how to put this, “treating people humanely,” and some people are actually like, acknowledging it. So here are some flags to fly this July 4th if you think America deserves to suck the large ass.
1. The Confederate Flag
Oh no not you again...
Oh come on, did you not see this one coming? It’s hard to find any other piece of cloth that says “I have zero (0) understanding of American history” quite like the stars and bars. Ironically enough, this flag is quite popular to fly during events or days deemed to be patriotic, because nothing is more patriotic than literally forming your own country. This flag comes with some requirements though. You must own a Ford truck (Chevy’s are for pussies), wear only Wrangler jeans (True Religion is...confusing), and always have some Copenhagen chewing tobacco in your mouth (only real men give gummers). If you follow all these rules, feel free to fly ol’ “Heritage Not Hate” during any event you deem inappropriate (hint: almost everywhere). (Bass Pro Shop parking lot).
2. O’Flannigan’s Flag
My left ass cheek is half-Irish on my Mother's Mother's side...
Founded in Sneem, Ireland due to a rising feud between the O’Flannigan family and the Childress family over what type of beer was better (Pilsners or Lagers), this flag flew for the righteous O’Flannigans. They eventually went on to win the pissing contest in an actual pissing contest, in which Bernard O’Flannigan drank 4 Pilsners and urinated 4.57 feet into the ocean. I have no clue how any of that settled anything, but the flag has beer on it, and we do like beer, so this is it.
3. Flag of Chad (Or Romania)
How the HELL are you supposed to tell which is which you backwards vexilollogists?!
This flag is a good one for you to bamboozle your friends with your huge flag knowledge. Is it the flag of Chad? Yes. Is it the flag of Romania? Also, yes. In one of the greatest plagiarism scandals in history, with the only discernible difference being that the blue on Romania’s flag is “cobalt,” while Chad’s blue is “indigo,” these two flags represent everything that's shameful about national pride. And let’s face it, neither "cobalt" nor "indigo" are real colors anyway, and nothing you or any “eye doctor” says will make me believe otherwise.
4. The Alternative New Zealand Flag
The True Colors of New Zealand
Much like an extended hug with my step-father, this flag makes me feel both safe and very uncomfortable. Also, much like my stepfather, DO NOT LOOK IT IN THE EYES. Designed by a 5 year old trying his hand at Minimalism on Microsoft Paint (with absolutely no parental oversight), this flag is a good representation of New Zealand: Simpleminded and carefree. Fears of war? Escape to New Zealand! Being essentially the remix of Australia means, much like all of our animals, we have zero predators. Economic woes? Not in "our currency is compliments and hugs" New Zealand! The perfect flag for those who wish to be as carefree as New Zealanders (or if you like making people talk about Lord of the Rings, I suppose).
5. A Barack Obama Flag Made Up Of Other Country’s Flags
Now I really don’t know who the target audience is for this but it’s just…it’s so good. This flag is a perfect reminder that art is anything which challenges our notions of what's good in this world, and that anyone can be an artist if they own a computer. Discovered in an abandoned Democratic National Committee office among boxes of I’m With Her stickers and what appeared to be a meaningful economic platform, this flag stood out clearly as the only thing that was worth keeping. However, there is only one on the market, making it an extremely rare collector’s item for only the most serious cookout kings. A great flag for flying under your grill, so as to allow Mr. Obama and the modern world he represents to look right up at you, giving your chili burgers a Presidential seal of approval. “Yes, We Can” just turned into “Yes You Did”. Mission Accomplished, patriot.