Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming in. I know it’s a Saturday, but we’re here to deal with nothing short of a company-wide crisis. Independence Day has come and gone, and our numbers look good. I think we can all give ourselves a friendly, non-gay, totally platonic pat on the back. Well done, everyone. But our job doesn’t end here. I’d like to introduce you all to our social media manager, Sarah Schlongwell. Sarah’s been - excuse me, Sarah, I was speaking for you, not with you - Sarah’s been crunching the binary numbers, pounding the digital pavement, doing whatever the hell nerds do, and she’s come up with something worrying - no, downright concerning. There’s a new trend out there on the internet, boys and girls, and it threatens to turn the market upside down if we don’t get ahead of it first. First it was dabs and Dougy-ing, then whatever the hell a Gamecube is, but this is something new. The next big thing, ladies and gentlemen, is hot dog.
I know, I know. Please try to remain calm, everyone. I SAID REMAIN CALM! Thank you. Now I know what you’re thinking. What the hell is hot dog? Not like understanding whatever the hell your kids are saying wasn’t hard enough, now they gotta drop this shit on us? It’s okay to be confused. That’s exactly why we’re here, unpaid, on a Saturday, with a single drop of cyanide placed randomly in one person’s coffee. What? Yeah, Stacy, read a fucking memo. You’re not being paid today. Cry about it. This is a team-building - where are you going? Ah, who needs her. Now if someone could just pour Sarah’s coffee into their cup..
DO IT NOW!
Anyway. Before we can put together a marketing strategy for hot dog in the next quarter, we need to figure out what exactly we’re dealing with. The man sitting on the far end of the table wearing the questionable Hawaiian shirt is Paul Jeffries, our head researcher. Paul’s been working day and night on this, and he’s going to help us figure out just what the hell is going on. Paul?
Uh huh. Uh huh. Wait, what? It’s a what? A cylinder? So like, round on the sides, flat on the top, is that the kind of thing we’re talking about here? No? Dammit. So, not flat on the top. What do you mean you don’t know if it’s flat on the top or not? You’re the head researcher, for Christ’s sake! You’re supposed to - no, you know I didn’t mean that, Paul. I’m sorry. I’m just frustrated. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Here, let’s all just take a sip of coffee and see if that calms at least one of us down.
Okay, let’s back up a second. What do we know? What are the facts? The facts will guide us into the light. So it’s a cylinder, that we know. Round on the sides, maybe flat on the top, maybe not. No information on the bottom, though. We’ll get to that. Do we have anything on color? Oh, fantastic. Okay. Okay. So what kind of red are we talking about here? Like a scarlet red, or like a darker maroon? Is it more blood you cough up or blood you pee?
We don’t know? We don’t know. Awesome. You spent twelve hours working on this and you don’t even know the damn shade? No, Paul, I’m not - Jesus, you are so sensitive. I’m just wondering if you’re the best person for this job, is all. If you would stop crying directly over your coffee, thus diluting whatever added components may be in it, maybe we could get something done here. Do you want to go outside? Take a minute? Alright. Well, We’ll be right here when you’re done being a tremendous bitch and feel like you wanna nut up and do your job for a second. Yeah, Paul, that time I did mean to hurt your feelings.
Alright, let’s divert for a second. What’s the market drive, folks? We were so busy asking ourselves “what is a hot dog?”, we didn’t think to ask ourselves “why is a hot dog?”. What’s the big deal behind the whole thing, huh? What’s a hot dog used for? Why do the kids love it? That’s the key to all of this. Ellie, you’ve got kids. What do the little suckers like? Fidget spinners? iPhone games? Underage drinking? What does any of this have with our market value? Jesus, Ellie, why even speak up if you aren’t going to say anything useful!
Oh yeah, is that what you think? Well fuck you and fuck your kids. TAKE A SIP.
Let’s get back to the work at hand. We’re here on a mission, folks. We’re all in this together guys. If we want to succeed, we need everyone to pull their weight. Including you, Eric. Yeah, Eric, I can see you laughing over there. You think something’s funny? Care to share it with the rest of the class?
.
.
.
.
.
You...you what?
.
For lunch? Seriously? And you’re sure it’s the same thing.
.
Do...do you have any left?
Well what the hell are you waiting for man, get it in here! If you’re not bullshitting me I’ll double your salary!
.
.
.
.
.
.
That’s it?
It’s...boxier...than I imagined.
Yes, I understand it’s just a box! I thought you brought this for lunch? Why does it say Nathan on it? Did you steal this from Nathan in accounting? Because if so, niiiiiice.
.
.
Oh. Ohhhhhhhhhhh.
Well what are you waiting for? Open the damn box!
.
.
.
.
My...my God…
It’s beautiful…
You just saved our company, Eric. I don’t know how you did it, and even moreso I don't know how to thank you. All the people in this room? You just saved their jobs. Including mine. You’ve done something truly wonderful here. You know what? You know what? Here. These are the keys to my Bentley. They’re yours now. I want you to take these keys, go to my house and love my wife. Don’t just make love. Don’t just fuck her. Don’t just take care of her. You will love her. You’re more of a husband than I ever could be, Eric. Now get out of here, you brilliant son of a bitch.
Alright everyone, meeting dismissed. Thanks for coming in today when I know none of you wanted to, and thanks for once again proving to me that I made the right decision when I assembled you all as a part of this company. Go ahead and just step over Paul if necessary, and I’ll see you all bright and early on Monday!
No but really, do not touch him.